She's a Keeper

I never liked this apple much it always seemed too big to touch I can’t remember how I found My way before she came around

I tell everyone I smile just because I got a city love I found it in Lydia and I can’t remember life before her name

she keeps a toothbrush at my place as if I had the extra space she steals my clothes to wear to work I know her hairs are on my shirts

I tell everyone I smile just because I got a city love I found it in Lydia and I can’t remember life before

the day she called up and came to me covered in rain dinnertime shadowing and as the clothes spun we spooned and I knew I was through when I said, “I love you”

Friday evening we’ve been drinking 2 AM I swear I might propose but we close the tab split a cab and call each other up when we get home falling asleep to the sound of sirens

I got a city love I found it in Lydia from the battery to the gallery its the kind of thing you only see in scented glossy magazines and I can’t remember life before her name

Dear Samantha,

Stop eating like an eleven year old spaz. Three pounds BACK on your ass is completely unacceptable, especially when swim suit season is HERE! No more panda, taco bell, snickers bars, or tubs of ice cream, oh and you can completely forget about cake in any of it’s forms, even if you did bake it yourself. I expect to see you at the gym everyday for the rest of the week with the exception of Friday. Now, do sit ups and think about if that snickers was worth it this afternoon! Ps, sit up straight no one likes a hunch back.

Love always,
Your self control, and yes smart ass I’m still in here.

philadalphia… you’re in my heart. i wrote a little song for you

p-h-i-l-a-d-a-l-p-h-i-a youre fuckin sexy bitches wicked fuckin sexy bitches i love the way you rock

will smith’s from this town cinderellas from this towm you rock

rocky is from this town and he rocks his name is fuckin rocky its rock with a y

burgess meredith died helping rocky live and he rose like a pheonix i’m gonna do the same for you i’m gonna go down. for you like a burnin burnin burn alive, like a pheonix i’m gonna fuckin rise like a pheonix like jesus o’ christ i love you philadalphia got too much love you cracked the liberty bell so much love you fucking cracked cast iron.

thats my philadalphia song… i’m working on it its not really done… its at like this crucial point… like where do you go. Philadalaphia, Mo town, no? Its good to see the cough syrup kicking in, I’m like Philadelphia the sunshine state, it’s not a fuckin state? No? Awesome, the rock ‘n rollers don’t need to be smart, just put a big cucumber in their pants and dance around right.

“I know you hear me catch your breath But I’m not listening for the right words anymore I’ll take what’s left You’re vicious like the blue sky Right before the rain comes pouring through Tell me does he look like me at all Cause they’re all an awful lot like you”

Two or three years ago I would have played this song in my car with the windows up tight and tears falling down my face as I screamed along. I love this song, not because it makes me remember the old feelings I tried to hold on to for you, but because when I hear this song it reminds me of the little girl who wanted to know what love was so she could give it to you, but inside all she had to offer was her body, so she did that instead. He’s not a single thing like who you were back then, and that’s one of the best things about him. I’m not hoping for anyone to live up to you’re lies anymore.

i’m weak when you miss me
when you roll me on your tongue..
when you whisper me your best moves
i almost believe you
but you don’t know me at all

i’m covered by lovers,
who recite lines
convinced their bodies
are gonna save mine
but you don’t know me at all..

show me where the sun comes through the sky
i’ll show you where the rain gets in
and i’ll show you hurricanes
and they way that summer fades…
underneath the weight of it all

i spent days stupid nailed to your floor
and i spent nights pushed against you
trying to keep warm
but you don’t know me at all.

show me where the sun comes through the sky
i’ll show you where the rain gets in
and i’ll show you hurricanes
and they way that summer fades
underneath the weight of it all

Matt Nathanson, Weight of it all

5 am, undressed
In your static, in your mess
I don’t need any new voices
I’m thick enough with superstitions and choices

A little bit of something
Maybe just a way home


Sing me sweet
Sing me low
Say you’ll never let me go
Sing me sweet
Say you’ll never let me go
Never let you go


Just to stay like this
In the give of your lips
In the dim half-light dawn
Pinned below your undertow
When everything meant everything again


A little bit of something
Maybe just a way home
Way home, a way home


Sing me sweet
Sing me low
Say you’ll never let me go
Sing me sweet
Say you’ll never let me go
Never let…

Matt Nathanson, Sing me sweet.

Every time I hear this song it pull my insides out. My heart breaks for who ever has felt these words, the way Matt Nathanson’s voice cracks and chokes on the words make it feel so real, and it makes me sure he wrote this song at some mid night while drowning in sorrow. I love it.

What a spoiled boy I’ve been
my mouth full; mess
my arms outstretched
I got palm-sweat
I’m smiling like I’m competition
— maybe I’m yours.

Said: I know you, you’re a salesman’s son
and you’re pimpin’ pretty junk.
And I said What am I supposed to do?
They’ve built the scenes around you
and I need more than this.
She said What am I suppose to do?
Look at what’s become of you
And I need more than this.


Go on then, hitch me up
maybe if what I am is not enough
‘cuz I do love the glow you get when you’re told word for word
how to think for yourself

Said, I know you you’re a salesman’s son
and you’re pimpin’ pretty junk.
And I said, What am I supposed to do?
They’ve built the scenes around you..
and I need more than this.
And she said, What am I suppose to do?
Look at what’s become of you
and I need more than this.

I’m through now,
and I need more than this.
And I’m tired of baring my teeth when I smile.

Said I know you — you’re a salesman’s son
and you’re pimpin’ pretty junk.
She said Look at what’s become of us now.
And I said What am I supposed to do
they built the scenes around you
and I need more than this
And she said What am I suppose to do
look at what’s become of you
and I need more than this

I’m through now
and I need more than this

Do not waste this evening, baby I’m begging you Your big imagination’s playing its tricks on you You think my up and leave is something I’m gonna do Feel my chest when I look at you…

Baby you, you’ve got my only heart Yeah, you’ve got my only heart Yeah, you’ve got my only, only, heart

So hard to be so far out living our separate lives You phone must really broken - I tried your number twice And if you need confirmation, baby I understand It’s alright if you want me to tell you…

You, you’ve got my only heart Yeah, you’ve got my only heart Yeah, you’ve got my only, only, heart

You live like you hedge on the whole thing I adore you but, there’s a hole in the cup that should hold my love (hold my love) If you let, if you let, if you let me leave I swear, I never will Oh remember now you…

You’ve got my only heart Yeah, you’ve got my only heart Yeah, you’ve got my only heart

I was standing at the grocery store and there was a single 30 something woman in front of me with similar items in her cart. Yogurt, half a gallon of milk, dog food, and a few other things. Behind me was a late 20 something woman with a beautiful brunette little girl about 3 or 4, the little girl was sitting in the basket seat, holding her mothers purse while they chattered about kittens. I took a deep sigh and looked down at my cart, cereal, butter, and the makings for chili and chicken wings. Its ironic right? 

I turned my 30-day notice in today. It feels so weird to know I’m outta here in only 30 days. The past 2 months have been the best times I’ve had in this apartment in the year plus I’ve occupied it. Nights with out drinking with Mandy, Savanna staying over, and cooking dinner for Brian. Nights like this are the ones I’ll miss most. Coming home with groceries to a quite home and only Rocco here to greet me. Its the independence I’ll miss.

I’ve learned so much this past year. Like how to cook, how to really clean house, how to take out the trash, and the most recent how to use a dish washer. I never realized how much junk comes in the mail or how many bills follow. It won’t be long until Rocco and I are getting into a new routine at another apartment, hopefully closer to better things for us.

On another note, my body is kicking my ass. For a woman who they say is next to infertile, I must have a shit ton of estrogen. I have everything to do tonight, and no motivation to get it done.

I feel so useless lately, at everything. I’m hoping its a phase, it feels horrible. Then again, I do like to do everything for everyone all the time, so maybe this is a well needed vacation? I prefer being stretched to thin.

I’ve been staying up way to late lately, but its been worth it. Last night I had the most unexpected conversation with the least expected person. It was insightful and enlightening, although it didn’t help. I’m still holding my ground.

I wanted to write so much more, but in the middle of writing all this late night, Brian surprised me by just showing up. Man that boy just keeps getting better:)

5am, undressed In your static, your mess I don’t need any new voices I’m thick enough With superstitions and choices

Way home A little bit of something Maybe just a way home

Sing me sweet Sing me low Say you’ll never let me go Cause I’ve gone long enough Waiting for wonderful Sing me sweet Sing me low Say you’ll never let me go So won’t you stay And never fail Never let me go

If I could stay like this In the give of your lips In the dim halflight dawn Pinned below your undertow When everything Ment everything again

Way home A little bit of something Maybe just a way home

Sing me sweet Sing me low Say you’ll never let me go Cause I’ve gone long enough Waiting for wonderful Sing me sweet Sing me low Say you’ll never let me go So won’t you stay And never fail Never let me go